Hair wash day, lie-ins & rain-checks

8 stormy weeks into chemo, was cold-capping worth it?

This week, I’ve skived off chemo - with my consultant’s permission. Actually, he was the one who decided my neutrophils were too thin on the ground to risk it.

Chemo this week would have been number 8 of 16, which means I am at the halfway point, infusion wise (it’ll still drag on till May because the second treatments are given at three week intervals).

And I’ve been thinking about my hair. It’s hard not to when it keeps on shedding, revealing previously unknown hinterlands of my scalp. I made a little video on hair wash day (Wednesday) to show you where I’m at.

Reviewing the pictures from December to now, I honestly can’t recognise my lion-like mane!

December to February

Afterwards, it looks fluffier and fuller than it does at any other time in the week. I actually only wash it once a week, usually after cold-capping, which would have GROSSED me out before. But I don’t seem to produce as much oil on my scalp now. Plus, dry shampoos are good for thinned chemo hair as they make it look thicker and give it a refresh.

So, I’m pretty upbeat in the video. It didn’t last.

Because I looked at the back of my head…

I guess I’d been in denial, but I decided to face the unseen… and it felt horrible. The back and crown are so sparse, and the surviving strands are white, so that unless I very carefully comb over that part, and spray it in place, I appear completely bald. These are the areas that the cold cap struggles to grip on most people’s scalps, so it’s not unexpected, but…. I loathe how it looks. And I realise maybe the loss is more like 80% or even 90%.

After lots of research, I’ve ordered ‘hair fibres’ which are a brand new concept for me, but apparently it’s a powder that magically transforms into something resembling hair. Sounds highly dubious but some of the before and after pictures are amazing. I promise to share the result!

In the meantime, I bought a lovely new hat in the Accessorize Sale…

Realistically, when I switch to the other kind of chemo, it’s pretty likely it’ll all fall out - so I am trying to prepare for that mentally. The one upside is that if I keep using the cap, there’s evidence my hair will come back sooner, because the follicles may wake-up from their chemo slumber with more verve! At least hats are still an option. But maybe when the weather improves, I’ll invest in a short wig. Or I could still brave the shave. Having options is the main thing.

Halfway thoughts - especially if you’re considering it:

• I almost didn’t try it, but I don’t regret cold-capping/calp-cooling at all - yes, I’ve lost so much of my hair (how you estimate it, I’ve no idea) but until now, I haven’t felt the need to wear a wig.

• The shedding never seems to stop, even though right now the quantity has reduced - presumably because I have less to lose now! But every day is a reminder that I am losing my hair.

• It was massively uncomfortable and stressful between weeks 3 and weeks 5 when my scalp was sensitive, even painful. Shaving it off would have relieved the discomfort and uncertainty. If I’m unlucky enough to face chemo again, that’s the reason I might think twice about cooling.

• The two purchases that have really helped me through this are the Manta brush & Aveeno Volumising Fresh Greens shampoo for fine hair: the brush is gentle and doesn’t remove as much hair as a normal one, and the shampoo definitely makes the most of what’s there. I don’t actually use a conditioner. I only need a teeny bit of this, massaged in and smoothed out very carefully so I don’t disturb any hairs that are only just hanging on in there! I also wash in coolish water and never use a hairdryer or any heat treatment.

Wiser people than me have said important things about women’s identities and their hair. All I’ll add is that this experience is LOADED with significance.

Feelings about cancer change by the day, hour, even minute - I guess that’s where acceptance comes in. But it’s hard not to feel a bizarre, and unwarranted, shame about the state of my scalp. Logically, I KNOW cancer is nothing to be ashamed of. Yet at low moments, hair loss makes me vulnerable, exposed, obviously unwell and in treatment. I’m working on losing that and being proud of who I am, hairy or otherwise!

Lie-ins and rain-checks

Generally, it’s been quite a tough 10 days. I think you can see I’m tired in the video - still suffering from the after effects of my triple whammy last week. I did taper off steroids so there was less of a crash than last time but I still felt mostly knackered, often breathless and digestively challenged. As I mentioned, after my blood results, the consultant decided that rather than postpone session 8, I could skip it altogether. So next week will be week 9.

It’s an odd feeling - relief, mostly, but also some anxiety. What if that’s the dose that would have finished off Jean-Claude, my Brussels sprout-sized tumour? The logic is that the bloods showing my immune system is struggling also show that the chemo is still in my system - hopefully giving cancer a harder time than my good cells.

And with the glimpse of sunshine this weekend I’ve felt so much better - I even managed a brisk walk with some brief jogging intervals, and started some very light weight-bearing exercises to maintain and build strength. Roll on, spring!